Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Randomize
