you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
