the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
