Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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