Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
