I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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