So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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