i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
whose parrot is this?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
there is glitter all over my balls
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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