Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
