he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
