I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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