You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize