the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
