I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
