Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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