Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
