its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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