I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i came on her dog
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I need moral support for this bender
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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