Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
