I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
