I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
