I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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