I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
