i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
