@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize