Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Randomize
