Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
