Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
