Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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