I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
