So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
