Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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