Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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