I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Randomize
