you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
