took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
