Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
