i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
