I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
