Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
