***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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