I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
