grandma shit on top of the toilet
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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