my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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