Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
wanna go halves on a baby?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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