I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
