I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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