i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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