are you still at the devil's house?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize