The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
