i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I am one with the molecules
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
