I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
