The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize