i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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