There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize