i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
