just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i love accidental penises.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
