I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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