Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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