when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
