Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
