You made me cry and you don't even care
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
my being single is dangerous.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
