I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
is wine microwaveable?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
