I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
