sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Everclear isn't food dammit
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
