Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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