I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
