also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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