I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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