if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My liver just broke up with me...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
