Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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